Chelsea: The Special Interim One Rafael Benitez has been causing tremors at Stamford Bridge this season, not least through the extraordinary measures he has employed to avoid selecting Paulo Ferreira. After a deliberately false fixture list handed to the Portuguese defender initially kept him off the scent for the first few months of the season, Benitez has had to up his game to avoid picking Ferreira. When he appeared at an away fixture at Fulham, having discovered his fixture list was incorrect, Benitez was forced to stage a bomb scare at the team's hotel before disappearing in a rush with the rest of the first team squad. Then, having finally discovered the true location of Chelsea's training ground to confront Benitez, Ferreira was seen being ushered into a van and promptly whisked away. Reports that the Paulo Ferreira seen in subsequent first team appearances was merely a lookalike have been vehemently denied by the West London club.
Paulo Ferreira, in happier times.
Swansea City: With a comfortable mid-table finish and the League Cup both secured for Swansea, rumours suggest that high-profile players have insisted that there is 'not much point, really' in turning up for the remaining Premiership games this season. The Liberty Stadium pitch was said to have been left in an overgrown, swamp-like state after the ground staff booked a month-long holiday in Barbados on a whim, in order to celebrate the particularly excellent state of the pitch in the game against Spurs. Luckily, all-action midfielder Jonathan de Guzman impressed with his versatility once again after miraculously repairing the pitch hours before the next home fixture. And after half the first team squad were spotted at an illegal warehouse rave in West Berlin the night before an away fixture with Norwich City, manager Michael Laudrup was forced to take extreme measures to avoid embarrassment for the club when, instead of playing Luke Moore, he hired a new team of a lookalikes to feature at Carrow Road. Fortunately for Swansea, the surprisingly-inept Canaries were still unable to defeat the team of full-time lookalikes and chancers.
Everton: Manager David Moyes has once again been forced to reassert his loyalty to the Merseyside club, despite being spotted handing in his C.V. at several other Premiership clubs. Despite the damaging pictures, Moyes has made it abundantly clear where his loyalties lie. 'I'd like to make it known that I, 100%, have no idea where I will be managing next season. How could I? I'm not psychic'. After being pressed for a 'rough estimate' of where he will be next season, Moyes was equally transparent. 'Somewhere in the North. Or maybe the South. There have been offers from abroad but I might be staying here, or move to a club with a rich history. I just wanted to make that clear'. Everton Chairman Bill Kenwright then went on record to express his delight that Moyes might be staying at Everton, or might not.
Arsenal: Playmaker Santi Cazorla is said to be feeling victimised after being heavily criticised in recent weeks by Football Manager enthusiast Arsene Wenger. Despite Cazorla being rated as 18/20 in Free Kick Taking by the popular football management game, his dead-ball efforts in real life have not lived up to the lofty virtual rating. The Arsenal chief has met with Sports Interactive suits to get to the bottom of the disparity, reportedly citing his successful Football Manager 11 game with AC Milan, where Cazorla scored 12 direct free kicks per season on average, as the standard he was expecting of the Spaniard. Rumours that Wenger is looking at wonderkid Freddy Adu as a replacement remain unconfirmed.
Reading: After a damaging season, the Berkshire club have recently moved quickly to distance themselves from reports that they replaced manager Brian McDermott with a wig-wearing clone. Despite 'new manager' 'Nigel Adkins' trotting out suspiciously similar clichés and unrelenting positivity every week, several Reading supporters have accused the club of employing advanced cloning technology to try and appease the supporters who were calling for a true change of manager. Reading reportedly elected to spend millions inventing the technology to clone popular manager McDermott, such was their loyalty to the 'former' manager.
