Sir Garth Crooks?

Garth Crooks has today left the world of football journalism reeling after spectacularly commenting that in the Championship, 'anybody can beat anybody.'

Crooks, interviewed after giving a motivational speech to budding sports journalists, made the astonishing assumption prior to bottom-club Peterborough's surprise win over table-toppers Cardiff. Upon hearing Crooks' comment, Peterborough players were reportedly 'amazed' at the development and duly recorded an impressive 2-1 victory.

Posh captain Gabriel Zakuani noticed the comment hours before kick-off and was on hand to spread the word to the rest of the team. “I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it” enthused Zakuani. “All the lads were fully prepared to go there and just make up the numbers, as you do, but when a globally-respected football pundit like Garth Crooks makes a comment like that, well it really opens your eyes.”

AB FOR ENGLAND? GARTH THINKS SO

It was a glorious return to form for Crooks after embarrassing recent calls for James Morrison, 23 caps for Scotland, and Lilian Thuram, 142 caps for France and retired as of four years ago, to make Roy Hodgson's latest England squad. Crooks subsequently managed to save face by claiming he had been 'misquoted' by various media outlets after The Sun claimed he had also demanded an England call-up for South African batsman AB de Villiers.

But after his most recent comment, sources suggest that he is well-placed for an MBE in the Queens' New Years Honours List. One said: “Garth is highly-thought of in Buckingham Palace. He is seen as a role model to aspiring journalists and comments like this won't harm his chances of a knighthood at all.”

The possibility of a knighthood for Crooks has rounded off a stellar year for BBC journalists. Popular character Robbie Savage became a key member of the team with his cutting-edge analysis and calm, thoughtful demeanor  whilst perennial favourite Steve Claridge added to his already burgeoning reputation with some high-quality analysis throughout the year. They included him forecasting Manchester City's title win moments after Sergio Aguero's title-winning goal, predicting that Barcelona 'have enough about them' to secure a top two finish and his unforgettable analysis of Liverpool's controversial zonal marking system.

Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part One

With Christmas almost upon us, here we take a look at how each of the 20 Premier League teams have fared so far this season.

Liverpool: Philosopher Brendan Rodgers has had a mixed time at Liverpool this season, with the team struggling at times to adapt to his preferred style of play. Things certainly were not helped when he was conspicuous by his absence for a crunch match with Manchester United, as it coincided with the launch of his book 'Hoof It: Why Long Ball Works.' Rodgers was then absent for three subsequent matches to fulfil promotional duties for the best-seller. Kopites will be hoping for an improvement from The Reds in the second half of the season, but it seems unlikely after news emerged recently that Rodgers has a further two publications in the pipeline: an erotic football novel 'Fifty Shades of Joe Allen', and sci-fi thriller 'Suso.'

QPR: The West London outfit have had similar distractions to Liverpool this season, with manager Mark Hughes' impressive solo album causing an unnecessary distraction to on the field matters. Despite critical and commercial success, Hughes' folk-rock album 'Sparky' failed to impress QPR owner Tony Fernandes, firing his manager after he failed to turn up to any of their first fifteen league games, thanks to touring duties. Wheeler-and-dealer 'Arry Redknapp will be looking for some bargains in the January transfer window to try and steer the Rs clear of relegation.

Stoke City: The Potters have had a very solid first half of the season, playing their usual unique brand of attacking football. It is in no small part thanks to Tony Pulis, the cultured coach who has revealed Stoke's key to success this season: introducing the players to fine art and literature.

“Ryan Shawcross in particular has taken a great shine to the works of Chaucer and Shakespeare” beamed Pulis. “Every week we attend a spoken word night at a quaint pub in the countryside- the lads love it.” The only member of the squad not to benefit from this Stoke-on-Trent Renaissance is unruly winger Jermaine Pennant, who was reportedly farmed out on loan to Wolverhampton Wanderers for insisting that the teachings of Aristotle are 'dumb.'

West Ham United: Although the Hammers have generally impressed so far on their return to the top-flight, Sam Allardyce's insistence on a certain style of play is causing headaches throughout Upton Park. Supporters of the club were perhaps a little overzealous in lending their support to the team in a home match against Arsenal in September, when they joined in with the aerial barrage on Arsenal's goal by launching all of their possessions in the vague direction of Andy Carroll. The big #9 was left unconscious for ten minutes after heading one too many mobile phones, whilst Kevin Nolan fed off so many scraps he was struck down with food poisoning from a particularly nasty Chicken and Balti pie.

Sunderland: Disciplinary problems have plagued the north-east club in recent months, with serial offender Lee Cattermole currently out on bail after causing injury in a full-blooded challenge, whilst out shopping with his family. An unnamed man was left with a shattered shinbone after Cattermole reportedly spotted a loose ball in Sunderland city centre. Meanwhile Steven Fletcher is in similarly hot water after developing a fondness for robbing the pick 'n' mix section of his local newsagents on several occasions. 

Armstrong Stripped of Everything

Original Date of Article: 2nd November 2012

Lance Armstrong has today been spectacularly stripped of any Premier League titles he may have won whilst doping.

In a highly controversial move, the Premier League admitted they 'couldn't be 100% sure' if Armstrong had even won the Premiership title in his career, but added that they 'were not willing to take that risk.'

It comes after an already damaging week for Armstrong. After being stripped of his Tour de France wins, he has since gone on to lose the 2004 Wimbledon title, Q Magazine's 'Best Live Act' of 2000 and his dramatic 2007 Strictly Come Dancing victory.

YOU'RE NOT DANCING ANYMORE: Well Lance won't be, anyway

Former Premiership title-winner Paul Merson fully supported the decision. “To be honest Jeff I've got no idea how or when Armstrong won the championship, but if he did then you've got to say it's the right decision by the Premier League.

“After seeing him tarnish the good names of Cycling, Tennis and Televised Ballroom Dancing, we just couldn't let the man ruin the excellent reputation that professional footballers currently have.”

Armstrong Disgraced

Original Date of Article: 27th August 2012

Former national hero Lance Armstrong was disgraced today after the UADA published their findings on Armstrong's string of anti-doping offences during his battle against cancer. In a controversial move, Armstrong has been stripped of his good health and ordered to contract cancer immediately.

The move comes after a 17 year investigation by the UADA, which many onlookers believed only focused on Armstrong's famous drug use in cycling. However, after a string of Twitter rumours this afternoon, the UADA were forced to come out and confirm Armstrong's lifetime ban from life.

RIDDLED: Armstrong at the height of his anti-cancer drug use

Buck-Buck Landis, spokesperson for the UADA described Armstrong's anti-cancer drug use as 'heinous', 'cowardly' and 'cheating.' The comments came in sharp contrast to the previous statement on Armstrong's drug use in cycling, which heralded his 'impressive will to win', adding 'at least he tried to cover it up.'

Armstrong himself refused to formally challenge the rulings. In a responding statement released today, he said 'I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in beating my cancer since 1999. Everybody else is doing it anyway, so why should it matter? I was out of my mind on drugs in most Tours, they don't seem bothered about that.'

Adkins under pressure?

(Original Article Date: 18th October 2012)

Southampton manager Nigel Adkins has been accused of not taking his position seriously after allegations that he has started sneaking song titles into press conferences.

Suspicions were first aroused when he elected to blame the defeat against Everton 'on the boogie', rather than the more commonly used scapegoat of the referee. The game was up for Adkins after describing Rickie Lambert as his 'wonderwall', and then claiming that he had 'good vibrations' about the forthcoming game against Aston Villa.

CHEEKY: Adkins after slipping in a song reference in his press conference

John-George McCartney, the Southampton spokesperson, said that “We feel it is simply unacceptable for the manager to behave in this manner.

“We work eight days a week to preserve the reputation of this football club. It has been a long and winding road under Nigel and we just hope he understands the history and prestige of Southampton. He may well regret this when he's sixty four.

We're disappointed and we do not know where he got the idea for this from, but on this occasion we're going to let it be.”

Meanwhile, rumours that this craze had spread to other Premiership managers gathered pace yesterday after Chris Hughton suggested that 'everybody hurts' when they're struggling at the bottom of the league.

Serbian FA continues denial

(Original article date: 18th October 2012)

The Serbian football association (FSS) have today gone on record to deny further accusations in the aftermath of the U21 European Championship Qualifying match versus England, amongst them a flat refusal to acknowledge that the sky is blue.

Yesterday they denied that 'there were any occurrences of racism before and during the match at the stadium in Kruševac', even after indisputable evidence had previously emerged of occurrences of racism before and during the match at the stadium in Kruševac.

Along with the denial of the sky being blue, the FSS have also denied that Thursday follows Wednesday, the earth is round and any knowledge of Danny Rose's existence.

THE EARTH IS ROUND: But the Serbians are sceptical

The statement is bound to cause yet more uproar in the FA headquarters. Senior suit Giles Smugson said: “The latest comments made by the Serbian football association are an utter disgrace.

“I can understand their views about the alleged roundness of the earth, and Danny Rose does often appear to be invisible on the football pitch.

“But their claims that the sky is anything other than a lovely shade of royal blue are unacceptable in this day and age.”

UEFA are expected to harshly punish the FSS if they are found guilty of racist chanting, with a strongly worded letter and a £20 fine being two possible sanctions.

Heskey outrage at SPOTY snub

Emile Heskey has today hit out at the general public after he was snubbed for the Sports Personality of the Year again.

Although Heskey, 34, was not actually nominated for the award and never has been, he demanded answers as to why he did not take the coveted crown this year.

“The general public have given Emile Heskey a raw deal for too long now, and I'm sick of it” screamed Heskey. “Emile Heskey has been banging in the goals for Newcastle Jets, they sold out of replica Heskey shirts and I hear they might be naming a stand after me”

In a bizarre rant, Heskey went on to say: “What more does Emile Heskey need to do? Not a single vote this year and they can vote for anybody they want. What is their problem?”

After being told that in fact the general public cannot vote for anybody, just the 12 nominees, Heskey was undeterred, continuing to refer to himself in the third person.

“It begs the question why Emile Heskey wasn't nominated in the first place then. Did they not see Heskey Cam? That was an unwavering show of speed, power and endurance. None of the nominees displayed anything like that this year”

Census 2011: Massive Increase in Former Chelsea Managers

Government officials have been left shocked after the 2011 Census revealed an alarming increase in the number of former Chelsea managers.

Figures released this afternoon showed that 10% of the UK population have indicated that they used to manage Chelsea.

Senior figures behind the Census have cited chairman Roman Abramovich as the main reason for the massive increase. Since Abramovich took over Chelsea in 2003, the previous figure of 16 former managers skyrocketed to 689,000 after the results of the 2011 Census were published.

ROMAN: A sacking addict

Former Chelsea manager Pope Benedict XVI, who had a brief 4-hour spell as caretaker manager in 2007, said that he was not surprised by the increase. “I believe Roman is addicted to sacking managers, I had only just met the players and drawn up a list of possible transfer targets when I got the boot.

“He claimed he fired me because he no longer liked Popes called Benedict. I was shocked at the time but it's something you have to learn from.”