Germans 'have been using World Cup ball since 1970'

It has today emerged that the German team have been using the 2014 World Cup Brazuca ball since 1970- despite the ball being designed in 2013.

The shocking news comes hot on the heels of the news that Germany are also planning to build their own training base for the tournament, with critics quick to comment upon their frustratingly-good organisational skills and ever-reliable efficiency.

However, the news that Germany have already had an extra 43 years of practice with the World Cup ball is set to further enrage officials from national teams across the world. The FA's Head of Communications Adrian Barnsley lamented the revelations, commenting that he had 'no idea' how the Germans had been training with an uninvented football for over 40 years, but added that it was 'typical' of them to 'pull a stunt like this'.

Sources within the DFL have indicated that revolutionary new time-travelling technology have allowed them to gain the upper hand in what is set to be the most competitive World Cup for generations. Spokesman Uli Muller-Sprachbründdeisweinger moved quickly to defend the country. "This is simply part of our long-term strategy to give our national team the best possible chance of success- we have been building up to this World Cup for many decades now" he said. "This strategy also includes our TrumanDomes, city-sized domes designed to accurately replicate the conditions of the country, yet we don't hear anyone saying that they're cheating."

With the clock ticking towards the showpiece of the footballing calendar, England officials are sure to be left wondering why they weren't able to acquire the ball at the same time as the Germans, with one media source pinning 'logistics' as the main stumbling block. Although Roy Hodgson declined to make a public comment, privately he is said to be seething that the Germans were allowed to travel back in time to become fully accustomed with the Brazuca, bemoaning the FA's lack of time travel machines.

Reports that the Germans also placed beach towels on every sun lounger in Brazil in 1970 remain unconfirmed.

Meanwhile, ultra-modernistas Wales called a dramatic press conference to question the usability of the Brazuca itself. However, after an initial 45 minutes of baffled looks and questions aimed at deciphering why the ball was indeed round and not egg-shaped, the assembled team of four local journalists soon emptied the room.

Withdrawals Pile Up for Hodgson

England boss Roy Hodgson continues to suffer from selection headaches ahead of Friday's home friendly with Chile, as several more key personnel have pulled out of the squad.

After Michael Carrick, Danny Welbeck, Kyle Walker and Frank Lampard all withdrew from the squad this week, Hodgson has been further hit by the news that the chief kit man, ardent England fan Derek and several Club Wembley bar staff have all joined the quartet on the sidelines.

The devastating news is set to reignite the club vs. country debate once more in what are far from ideal preparations for a double-header of friendlies with two top nations in Chile and Germany.

Club Wembley spokesman Adrian Merritt broke the silence in the England camp earlier today. “Losing up to six bar staff for a moderately-attended friendly in mid-November is bound to stretch the resources of any self-respecting football stadium drinks outlet” he chirped.

Customers are reportedly shot on sight at Wembley if they are spotted drinking anything other than Budweiser or travelling through any sort of transport other than National Express.

“Naturally we're all disappointed with the news, but we have to take it on the chin and move on. We've got complete confidence that the rest of the team will step up when it really matters and successfully serve overpriced bottles of Budweiser, The Official Beer Supplier to the England Football Team For Ever and Ever Amen, to our thirsty customers.”

Despite the positive response from the catering section of Wembley, colleagues of Dennis Simpson, England's chief kit man, haven't taken news of his withdrawal lying down. They commented that Simpson 'isn't fit to wear the shirt' and that he has 'let his country down', labelling him a 'cowardly bastard'.

Simpson's withdrawal means the resources of the England kit team will be stretched to the limit, with serious doubts hanging over their capacity to provide a full set of kit for the England team. It has prompted suggestions from some sections of the media that at least three of the starting XI on Friday will be forced to wear knackered Sparta Prague away shirts from 2003/04, which one of the kit men picked up whilst holidaying in the Czech capital several years ago.

A return of the glorious reversible kit would have seen supporters being 46% more positive about England's World Cup prospects, according to a YouGov survey

However, England kit-man spokesman Sean Harrison has rebuffed the claims. “The players will admittedly have to swap shirts every time a substitution is made” he conceded. “And at the very worst, we might have to use that reversible red and blue kit from 2002, as fortunately, Sports Direct were still selling off the last of their stock when we popped in earlier today. But wearing that old Sparta Prague kit with 'Poborsky' on the back? No chance.”

Meanwhile, ardent England fan Derek is said to be 'disappointed' that he is unable to make the match against Germany, but we didn't care about him enough to read his full statement.

Martin Jol: 'Even I'm not that interested in Fulham'

Perennial nothing club Fulham, set to float around aimlessly in mid-table once again this season, have been a dealt a blow after a revealing Martin Jol interview with Dutch TV station Jol TV.

Jol made a series of slightly offensive remarks towards his employers in an interview that was broadcast on late Saturday evening in the primetime Jol TV slot, which was previously occupied by Jol Street, a drama following the lives of Jol families from across the Netherlands.

Mohamed Al-Fayed with the scarcely-believable statue in question

In the interview, Jol was quoted as saying: "To be honest, even I'm not that interested in the club (Fulham). When they built the statue of Michael Jackson I thought it was all a big joke- but they were being deadly serious about everything. I realised I couldn't take this job seriously anymore and that's when I signed Hugo Rodallega. He couldn't score in a brothel and everybody knows it, but for some reason no-one realised it was literally a joke signing.

"I was getting pats on the back and calls of congratulations. Certainly it was a bizarre time."

A Fulham spokesperson has revealed that the club are 'disappointed' with Jol's remarks but have said that on this occasion they are prepared to give their manager 'the benefit of the doubt'.

The reluctance to criticise their manager, or even release any sort of strongly-worded statement, arises from both a crippling club culture of total apathy and the fact that Jol has already claimed that he was 'misquoted' in the interview, which was conducted entirely in English and broadcast worldwide in it's entirety.

After being shown the exact moment when Jol clearly stated 'I don't even like Fulham' amongst various other derogatory remarks, the club's press officer Neil Wilson responded with a yawn and a slight shrug, before mumbling something about the X-Factor and drifting into a deep sleep.

'Blood Slasher' (left) and 'Metal Hands Harry' (right), commonly regarded as the club's wildest and most dangerous fans, share a flask of tea and discuss the best way to cook a meat and potato pie from scratch.

Club Chairman Shahid Kahn was unavailable for comment after a request from Pies and Bovril, with his personal assistant only revealing that he was too busy eating Ready Salted crisps and listening to Coldplay on medium volume to be interviewed.

Chelsea Announce Plans to Sign All of Spurs' Transfer Targets

After recently hijacking the deal for Brazilian playmaker Willian and narrowly missing out on the signing of Erik Lamela, Chelsea have revealed that they intend to try and steal absolutely anybody that Spurs are trying to sign.

Lamela was literally chased by Chelsea officials after Spurs' interest was revealed, but their need for at least one player to have a stupid love heart celebration was too great

Despite initially laughing off suggestions that the Blues were pursuing a number of players also being chased by the North London club, manager Jose Mourinho has finally admitted that he is specifically going after every Spurs target.

"I would like to sign all of them" Mourinho told PiesAndBovril. "Even though we already have 23 attacking midfielders, we thought signing Willian would really piss Spurs off, and we were right. We will continue to stalk (Spurs Director of Football) Franco Baldini to see who he wants to sign next, yes."

After being pressed by journalists on the thought process behind spending millions of pounds on unneeded players just to piss off local rivals, Mourinho's response was unequivocal. "You say that, but on the other hand, this is fucking hilarious."

Mourinho, seen here being aggressively tickled by funny man Marco van Ginkel

Upon hearing the news, Tottenham released a brief yet strongly-worded club statement on the matter.The statement merely read:

"We can't stand those cunts."

The latest spat between the two clubs follows several similarly high-profile altercations in recent years. Back in 2011, officials at Stamford Bridge were outraged after goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes sent a series of abusive tweets to Chelsea's John Obi Mikel, which lead to the Brazilian's eventual dismissal as Tottenham's Head of PR. 

Gomes learnt of his fate after one ill-advised Twitter outburst too many

Relations were soured further in 2012 when Florent Malouda described White Hart Lane as 'an average ground at best' and 'not a patch on Stamford Bridge'. Even senior figures at Chelsea were bemused by Malouda's remarks, who would never play another game for Chelsea after his controversial comments.

Summer Transfer Window: A Roundup So Far

PiesAndBovril takes a break from lounging around in the sun with Pies and Bovril to examine the transfer activity across Europe this summer.

Mystery man Leandro Damiao has once again been linked with a variety of major European clubs, despite there being no proof that he actually exists. Andre Villas-Boas claimed in a drunken rant last week that he had seen the Brazilian play 'three or four times', but later retracted that statement and blamed it on 'a potent mix of malt whisky, 8% cider and a £4 bottle of wine'.

Leandro Damiao, possibly in one of those houses down there

Big spenders Paris Saint-Germain have continued their exploits this summer by spending around 10% of the world's total wealth on anyone they lay their eyes on, with an innocent bartender working in the centre of Paris the subject of a recent £30m bid, which was dismissed by his employers as a 'derisory offer'. PSG instead turned to Edinson Cavani, who was found roaming the streets of Santiago, Chile after going missing during the recent Confederations Cup in Brazil.

Manchester City have run into unexpected difficulties after signing the homesick Jesus Navas, who has made a series of bizarre demands to help him settle in Manchester. After ordering the club to transport his Spanish house on a chartered flight to Manchester, Navas has since demanded that the club make sure the weather in England is as hot as Seville. Despite being unable to make any guarantees, City instead signed best friend Alvaro Negredo from Sevilla, who Navas reportedly sees as an 'adequate' replacement for the total lack of sunny weather in England.

Meanwhile, Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney was left angry and confused after a recent trip to Subway. The England star attempted to order a footlong Meatball Marinara with no sauce or salad, but after a disastrous conversation with the member of staff, he managed to come out with a single piece of bread with a piece of cucumber on. Rooney immediately rushed to the manager's office to convey his anger and confusion, before demanding a transfer, insisting that he would have managed to get what he wanted from the Subway near Stamford Bridge.

Rooney upon discovering that his Meatball Marinara had not come to fruition

Protests Grow As Brazil Advance

Protests across Brazil have continued into a second week, as citizens continue to vent their anger at the progress of their team in the Confederations Cup.

Generally bemoaned by the footballing-world as a pointless tournament, the government of football-mad Brazil are growing increasingly worried that victory for the team in Sunday's final would cause mass-scale, violent protests across the South American country.

A Brazilian protester holds up a placard proclaiming 'Why couldn't we do what Tahiti did'?

Holding midfielder Paulinho, who scored the winner against Uruguay on Tuesday evening to the fury of millions, is said to be under police protection until the final. The news arrives after hundreds of members of the army were drafted in to protect the Brazil squad during their daily training sessions. Neymar, who has attracted extra vitriol for almost single-handedly leading Brazil to the final, is said to be under the watchful eye of up to 37 Brazilian Lieutenants, for his own safety.

Despite pleas from the Brazilian prime minister that the team would voluntarily submit to Uruguay in the semi-final, Uruguay's voluntary submission proved too much for Brazil's attempted voluntary submission, as Uruguay fell to an impressively submissive 2-1 defeat. 

The ugly scenes in Brazil contrast heavily with those across the continent in Uruguay, where a street party in Montevideo was attended by an estimated 500,000, who were there to express their delight that the team would not be winning the Confederations Cup this year. Edinson Cavani was singled out for particular praise as he managed to appear almost completely invisible throughout the tournament.

The street party in Montevideo, where Cavani was said to have attended, but was seen by nobody (again)

Leading figureheads of the protests in Brazil have warned of further protests in the wake of the victory against Uruguay, citing the example of Tahiti as a team that Brazil should be looking to emulate. Their lack of interest in the tournament was such that they conceded 24 goals and registered a solitary strike, yet still returned home with their heads held high. With the situation in Brazil as it is, it is unlikely that Neymar and co. will be able to do the same.

Not-So-Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Four.

After a recent disappointing slump in form, which saw PiesAndBovril publish just one article in the last month, the popular football blog is back and eager to rediscover the scintillating publishing from of January and February, where at least one article PER WEEK appeared on the website. Today, the Mid-Season Premiership Review finally concludes in Mid-April, which will surely lead to calls for the writer of PiesAndBovril to be sacked for misuse of the word 'mid-season'. The final edition sees Swansea City, Chelsea, Arsenal, Everton and Reading come under the Pie and Bovril-shaped spotlight.

Chelsea: The Special Interim One Rafael Benitez has been causing tremors at Stamford Bridge this season, not least through the extraordinary measures he has employed to avoid selecting Paulo Ferreira. After a deliberately false fixture list handed to the Portuguese defender initially kept him off the scent for the first few months of the season, Benitez has had to up his game to avoid picking Ferreira. When he appeared at an away fixture at Fulham, having discovered his fixture list was incorrect, Benitez was forced to stage a bomb scare at the team's hotel before disappearing in a rush with the rest of the first team squad. Then, having finally discovered the true location of Chelsea's training ground to confront Benitez, Ferreira was seen being ushered into a van and promptly whisked away. Reports that the Paulo Ferreira seen in subsequent first team appearances was merely a lookalike have been vehemently denied by the West London club.

Paulo Ferreira, in happier times.

Swansea City: With a comfortable mid-table finish and the League Cup both secured for Swansea, rumours suggest that high-profile players have insisted that there is 'not much point, really' in turning up for the remaining Premiership games this season. The Liberty Stadium pitch was said to have been left in an overgrown, swamp-like state after the ground staff booked a month-long holiday in Barbados on a whim, in order to celebrate the particularly excellent state of the pitch in the game against Spurs. Luckily, all-action midfielder Jonathan de Guzman impressed with his versatility once again after miraculously repairing the pitch hours before the next home fixture. And after half the first team squad were spotted at an illegal warehouse rave in West Berlin the night before an away fixture with Norwich City, manager Michael Laudrup was forced to take extreme measures to avoid embarrassment for the club when, instead of playing Luke Moore, he hired a new team of a lookalikes to feature at Carrow Road. Fortunately for Swansea, the surprisingly-inept Canaries were still unable to defeat the team of full-time lookalikes and chancers.

Everton: Manager David Moyes has once again been forced to reassert his loyalty to the Merseyside club, despite being spotted handing in his C.V. at several other Premiership clubs. Despite the damaging pictures, Moyes has made it abundantly clear where his loyalties lie. 'I'd like to make it known that I, 100%, have no idea where I will be managing next season. How could I? I'm not psychic'. After being pressed for a 'rough estimate' of where he will be next season, Moyes was equally transparent. 'Somewhere in the North. Or maybe the South. There have been offers from abroad but I might be staying here, or move to a club with a rich history. I just wanted to make that clear'. Everton Chairman Bill Kenwright then went on record to express his delight that Moyes might be staying at Everton, or might not.

Arsenal: Playmaker Santi Cazorla is said to be feeling victimised after being heavily criticised in recent weeks by Football Manager enthusiast Arsene Wenger. Despite Cazorla being rated as 18/20 in Free Kick Taking by the popular football management game, his dead-ball efforts in real life have not lived up to the lofty virtual rating. The Arsenal chief has met with Sports Interactive suits to get to the bottom of the disparity, reportedly citing his successful Football Manager 11 game with AC Milan, where Cazorla scored 12 direct free kicks per season on average, as the standard he was expecting of the Spaniard. Rumours that Wenger is looking at wonderkid Freddy Adu as a replacement remain unconfirmed.

Reading: After a damaging season, the Berkshire club have recently moved quickly to distance themselves from reports that they replaced manager Brian McDermott with a wig-wearing clone. Despite 'new manager' 'Nigel Adkins' trotting out suspiciously similar clichés and unrelenting positivity every week, several Reading supporters have accused the club of employing advanced cloning technology to try and appease the supporters who were calling for a true change of manager. Reading reportedly elected to spend millions inventing the technology to clone popular manager McDermott, such was their loyalty to the 'former' manager.

Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Three

PiesAndBovril continues it's review of all 20 Premiership teams so far this season...

Manchester United: Exhausted Robin van Persie is reportedly fuming at his Manchester United teammates after news emerged that they had literally stopped turning up for matches, such is their confidence in the Dutch hitman. Van Persie has been a revelation for the Red Devils this season, but his future is in doubt after an unnamed source from within the camp revealed: 'Without naming any names, Phil Jones and Shinji Kagawa are the guys most culpable for this. They absolutely love the new FIFA and so usually send their favourite lookalikes to cover for them. Robin's starting to get very frustrated'. This is the second season in a row that van Persie has been a one-man team. Last season he infamously carried Arsenal to a third place finish despite blindfolding himself all season 'for a new challenge'.

Manchester City: Football Manager enthusiast Roberto Mancini has been left stunned this season after admitting that assertively telling his players he has faith in them 'just hasn't worked'. Despite the likes of Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli enjoying fine seasons last year after regularly reporting to 'seem motivated', Mancini's ploy has failed to reap the rewards this season. The Italian has tried to remedy the problem by asking assistant David Platt to take the overall team talk, passionately telling his players he expects a win and screaming at his players to 'work ball into box' to no avail. And his man-management skills were left exposed recently after Mario Balotelli was quoted as saying: 'Our relationship has broken down and I don't think talking to you can fix it', after a particularly disastrous private chat between the two.

Southampton: The Saints have enjoyed a solid Premiership season so far, despite chairman Nicola Cortese maintaining his unquenchable thirst for sacking employees. After disposing of popular manager Nigel Adkins after an impressive 2-2 draw with Chelsea, Cortese has carried on the habit of sacking people at their peak of their Saints careers. First, head chef Laurent Le Perrier was sacked after serving up a particularly tasty Filet Mignon, before an unnamed member of the ground staff at St. Mary's lost their job after the grass was reportedly seen as 'too green' by the wacky chairman. Cortese angered Southampton staff further when Sarah Wait, Head of Promotions, was dismissed after failing to win any promotions this season.

West Bromwich Albion: Although West Brom have so far enjoyed a fine season, Peter Odemwingie's last-minute transfer window dash to QPR is threatening to derail their fortunes. After the development, other disgruntled West Brom players have begun to randomly turn up at other clubs late at night, hoping to secure a deal. Markus Rosenberg ambitiously turned up at Old Trafford hours after Odemwingie's move, before all hell threatened to break loose after goalkeeper Boaz Myhill was photographed knocking on the door at Molineux days after. Manager Steve Clarke has responded to the antics of his unruly fringe players by installing a tag in their leg, similar to something a troublesome small house dog may have, which gives out an electric shock if the players move outside a 5 mile radius of The Hawthorns.

Norwich City: Strict Norwich boss Chris Hughton is walking a Delia Smith-shaped tightrope after several risqué measures to improve squad discipline. Hughton was forced to defend himself publicly after a Sun photographer caught him peering into the homes of several first teamers ensuring they were staying well-behaved. The incidents came shortly after sources inside the club reported that Hughton has already informed every single Norwich citizen that is legally allowed to sell alcohol, not to sell alcohol to Norwich players. The over-zealous nature of his approach to discipline may have come about as a result of various drink-related issues with Newcastle players, including the now-infamous occasion when Andy Carroll convinced several tanked-up team-mates that doing the worm all the way home 'would be a reet laugh, like'.

Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Two

Wigan Athletic: As the Latics once again find them in a relegation scrap, manager Roberto Martinez has come under massive scrutiny after recently being quoted saying that 'even I hope Wigan go down this season.' Many onlookers expected the ill-informed comment to lead to his inevitable dismissal as Wigan boss, however faithful chairman Dave Whelan spectacularly opted to instead extend Martinez's contract, thanks to minute-by-minute updates that were posted on the Wigan website as part of 'Whelan Watch.' Martinez was described by Whelan as 'the best manager in the galaxy' and, bizarrely, as 'a beautiful, beautiful man.' The revelation further supports the widely-accepted theory that Martinez holds incriminating photos of the Wigan chairman that make his position untouchable.

Nouveauchâteau United: Samedi, six Français ont foulé la pelouse de Saint-James'Park pour venir à bout de Chelsea (3-2). Le nord de l'Angleterre semble donc bien réussir à cette colonie de frenchies qui ne cesse de s'agrandir. Damien Dubras s'est rendue chez les Magpies pour rencontrer Sissoko, Cabaye, Debuchy and Co.

Fulham: Despite hiring mean-looking-possible-former-Mafia-boss Martin Jol and signing the sloth-like Dimitar Berbatov, Fulham have once again failed to ignite any sustained interest in their football club this season. The latest failed attempts by forgettable chairman Mohammed Al-Fayed come after previous attention-seeking stunts such as erecting a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, signing Paul Konchesky and staging the kidnapping and subsequent rescue of Collins John. PiesAndBovril sources have indicated that this is the only blog to have even bothered reporting on Fulham mid-season, which provides some form of consolation to the otherwise disconsolate Cottagers.

Aston Villa: Comedy club Villa have provided plenty of laughs up and down the country this season, much to the delight of comedy fan and part-time stand up comedian Randy Lerner, who also finds some time to fulfil his duties as Chairman of the Midlands club. After starting the season by signing a team of young children, Lerner further amused himself by funding the signing of prolific Belgian international Christian Benteke, who often cuts a confused figure at Villa Park as he attempts to carry, sometimes literally, the youthful team. And the whole country joined Lerner in uncontrollably laughing at Villa's exit to League Two side Bradford in the League Cup Semi-Final.

Tottenham Hotspur: Young Andre Villas-Boas's man management techniques continue to be looked at with suspicion from Spurs fans, amid reports that veteran goalkeeper Brad Friedel has gone missing. Under instruction to 'move on' the older generation of Chelsea players by Roman Abramovich, AVB soon caused controversy by informing all players over 30 that the team had relocated to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso with immediate effect. Only an old and confused Paulo Ferreira turned up at the supposed new Chelsea base, with the forgotten Portuguese defender not seen since. Fears are growing for Friedel's safety after sources close to AVB alleged that this time he had informed certain Spurs players that they would be relocating to Pyongyang, North Korea.

Mad Alex?

Sir Alex Ferguson has continued his crusade to blame everyone but himself or his players for Sunday's draw with Tottenham Hotspur, after pinpointing Benoit Assou-Ekotto's 'outrageous' haircut as the latest reason for the disappointing result.

Ferguson, who had previously laid the blame at the feet of Lance Armstrong, Luis Suarez and the bloke with the turban who always sits behind him at home matches, has now turned on Assou-Ekotto's audacious afro.

"As soon as the boy came on as a substitute I made the point to the fourth official that a haircut like that was unacceptable" said Ferguson. "Phil Jones was totally mesmerized by it for twenty minutes and the referee did nothing: I thought it was irresponsible and cowardly of him not to clamp down on it. We've had bad experiences with this referee in the past and it's happened again."

Ferguson may well be referring to an incident during a home game with Aston Villa in 2008, when the referee in question, Simon Beck, inexplicably failed to show a red card to Richard Dunne after the Irish defender cast several menacing glances at Anderson.

"Our young boys need to have some protection out there and they're just not getting it" added Ferguson. "The boy at Spurs intimidated our players with the most ridiculous haircut I've ever seen in my career. Phil is lucky to be alive after that."

Ferguson's latest comments have cast further doubts upon the manager's mental state. It comes weeks after he blamed a 'giant bat-like creature' for Swansea's equalizer at the Liberty Stadium. Ferguson claims the beast was circling the United penalty area at the time of the goal, rendering Rio Ferdinand disorientated and dizzy. When asked to describe the animal in front of baffled journalists, he commented that it was 'the size of a house' with 'really mean eyes.'

FEAR AND LOATHING IN SWANSEA: An artist's impression of the bat-like creature

He is not the first Premiership manager suffering from health problems as a result of the stressful nature of the job. Arsene Wenger famously loses all sight in both eyes whenever the ball enters Arsenal's box, with the Frenchman frustratingly never able to see strong penalty claims for opposing teams. And last season beleaguered former Blackburn boss Steve Kean publicly admitted that he had developed a condition which means he is incapable of distinguishing boos from cheers, after several incidents of him thanking violent Rovers protesters for their support.