Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Three

PiesAndBovril continues it's review of all 20 Premiership teams so far this season...

Manchester United: Exhausted Robin van Persie is reportedly fuming at his Manchester United teammates after news emerged that they had literally stopped turning up for matches, such is their confidence in the Dutch hitman. Van Persie has been a revelation for the Red Devils this season, but his future is in doubt after an unnamed source from within the camp revealed: 'Without naming any names, Phil Jones and Shinji Kagawa are the guys most culpable for this. They absolutely love the new FIFA and so usually send their favourite lookalikes to cover for them. Robin's starting to get very frustrated'. This is the second season in a row that van Persie has been a one-man team. Last season he infamously carried Arsenal to a third place finish despite blindfolding himself all season 'for a new challenge'.

Manchester City: Football Manager enthusiast Roberto Mancini has been left stunned this season after admitting that assertively telling his players he has faith in them 'just hasn't worked'. Despite the likes of Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli enjoying fine seasons last year after regularly reporting to 'seem motivated', Mancini's ploy has failed to reap the rewards this season. The Italian has tried to remedy the problem by asking assistant David Platt to take the overall team talk, passionately telling his players he expects a win and screaming at his players to 'work ball into box' to no avail. And his man-management skills were left exposed recently after Mario Balotelli was quoted as saying: 'Our relationship has broken down and I don't think talking to you can fix it', after a particularly disastrous private chat between the two.

Southampton: The Saints have enjoyed a solid Premiership season so far, despite chairman Nicola Cortese maintaining his unquenchable thirst for sacking employees. After disposing of popular manager Nigel Adkins after an impressive 2-2 draw with Chelsea, Cortese has carried on the habit of sacking people at their peak of their Saints careers. First, head chef Laurent Le Perrier was sacked after serving up a particularly tasty Filet Mignon, before an unnamed member of the ground staff at St. Mary's lost their job after the grass was reportedly seen as 'too green' by the wacky chairman. Cortese angered Southampton staff further when Sarah Wait, Head of Promotions, was dismissed after failing to win any promotions this season.

West Bromwich Albion: Although West Brom have so far enjoyed a fine season, Peter Odemwingie's last-minute transfer window dash to QPR is threatening to derail their fortunes. After the development, other disgruntled West Brom players have begun to randomly turn up at other clubs late at night, hoping to secure a deal. Markus Rosenberg ambitiously turned up at Old Trafford hours after Odemwingie's move, before all hell threatened to break loose after goalkeeper Boaz Myhill was photographed knocking on the door at Molineux days after. Manager Steve Clarke has responded to the antics of his unruly fringe players by installing a tag in their leg, similar to something a troublesome small house dog may have, which gives out an electric shock if the players move outside a 5 mile radius of The Hawthorns.

Norwich City: Strict Norwich boss Chris Hughton is walking a Delia Smith-shaped tightrope after several risqué measures to improve squad discipline. Hughton was forced to defend himself publicly after a Sun photographer caught him peering into the homes of several first teamers ensuring they were staying well-behaved. The incidents came shortly after sources inside the club reported that Hughton has already informed every single Norwich citizen that is legally allowed to sell alcohol, not to sell alcohol to Norwich players. The over-zealous nature of his approach to discipline may have come about as a result of various drink-related issues with Newcastle players, including the now-infamous occasion when Andy Carroll convinced several tanked-up team-mates that doing the worm all the way home 'would be a reet laugh, like'.

Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Two

Wigan Athletic: As the Latics once again find them in a relegation scrap, manager Roberto Martinez has come under massive scrutiny after recently being quoted saying that 'even I hope Wigan go down this season.' Many onlookers expected the ill-informed comment to lead to his inevitable dismissal as Wigan boss, however faithful chairman Dave Whelan spectacularly opted to instead extend Martinez's contract, thanks to minute-by-minute updates that were posted on the Wigan website as part of 'Whelan Watch.' Martinez was described by Whelan as 'the best manager in the galaxy' and, bizarrely, as 'a beautiful, beautiful man.' The revelation further supports the widely-accepted theory that Martinez holds incriminating photos of the Wigan chairman that make his position untouchable.

Nouveauchâteau United: Samedi, six Français ont foulé la pelouse de Saint-James'Park pour venir à bout de Chelsea (3-2). Le nord de l'Angleterre semble donc bien réussir à cette colonie de frenchies qui ne cesse de s'agrandir. Damien Dubras s'est rendue chez les Magpies pour rencontrer Sissoko, Cabaye, Debuchy and Co.

Fulham: Despite hiring mean-looking-possible-former-Mafia-boss Martin Jol and signing the sloth-like Dimitar Berbatov, Fulham have once again failed to ignite any sustained interest in their football club this season. The latest failed attempts by forgettable chairman Mohammed Al-Fayed come after previous attention-seeking stunts such as erecting a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, signing Paul Konchesky and staging the kidnapping and subsequent rescue of Collins John. PiesAndBovril sources have indicated that this is the only blog to have even bothered reporting on Fulham mid-season, which provides some form of consolation to the otherwise disconsolate Cottagers.

Aston Villa: Comedy club Villa have provided plenty of laughs up and down the country this season, much to the delight of comedy fan and part-time stand up comedian Randy Lerner, who also finds some time to fulfil his duties as Chairman of the Midlands club. After starting the season by signing a team of young children, Lerner further amused himself by funding the signing of prolific Belgian international Christian Benteke, who often cuts a confused figure at Villa Park as he attempts to carry, sometimes literally, the youthful team. And the whole country joined Lerner in uncontrollably laughing at Villa's exit to League Two side Bradford in the League Cup Semi-Final.

Tottenham Hotspur: Young Andre Villas-Boas's man management techniques continue to be looked at with suspicion from Spurs fans, amid reports that veteran goalkeeper Brad Friedel has gone missing. Under instruction to 'move on' the older generation of Chelsea players by Roman Abramovich, AVB soon caused controversy by informing all players over 30 that the team had relocated to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso with immediate effect. Only an old and confused Paulo Ferreira turned up at the supposed new Chelsea base, with the forgotten Portuguese defender not seen since. Fears are growing for Friedel's safety after sources close to AVB alleged that this time he had informed certain Spurs players that they would be relocating to Pyongyang, North Korea.