Mid-Season Premiership Review: Part Two

Wigan Athletic: As the Latics once again find them in a relegation scrap, manager Roberto Martinez has come under massive scrutiny after recently being quoted saying that 'even I hope Wigan go down this season.' Many onlookers expected the ill-informed comment to lead to his inevitable dismissal as Wigan boss, however faithful chairman Dave Whelan spectacularly opted to instead extend Martinez's contract, thanks to minute-by-minute updates that were posted on the Wigan website as part of 'Whelan Watch.' Martinez was described by Whelan as 'the best manager in the galaxy' and, bizarrely, as 'a beautiful, beautiful man.' The revelation further supports the widely-accepted theory that Martinez holds incriminating photos of the Wigan chairman that make his position untouchable.

Nouveauchâteau United: Samedi, six Français ont foulé la pelouse de Saint-James'Park pour venir à bout de Chelsea (3-2). Le nord de l'Angleterre semble donc bien réussir à cette colonie de frenchies qui ne cesse de s'agrandir. Damien Dubras s'est rendue chez les Magpies pour rencontrer Sissoko, Cabaye, Debuchy and Co.

Fulham: Despite hiring mean-looking-possible-former-Mafia-boss Martin Jol and signing the sloth-like Dimitar Berbatov, Fulham have once again failed to ignite any sustained interest in their football club this season. The latest failed attempts by forgettable chairman Mohammed Al-Fayed come after previous attention-seeking stunts such as erecting a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage, signing Paul Konchesky and staging the kidnapping and subsequent rescue of Collins John. PiesAndBovril sources have indicated that this is the only blog to have even bothered reporting on Fulham mid-season, which provides some form of consolation to the otherwise disconsolate Cottagers.

Aston Villa: Comedy club Villa have provided plenty of laughs up and down the country this season, much to the delight of comedy fan and part-time stand up comedian Randy Lerner, who also finds some time to fulfil his duties as Chairman of the Midlands club. After starting the season by signing a team of young children, Lerner further amused himself by funding the signing of prolific Belgian international Christian Benteke, who often cuts a confused figure at Villa Park as he attempts to carry, sometimes literally, the youthful team. And the whole country joined Lerner in uncontrollably laughing at Villa's exit to League Two side Bradford in the League Cup Semi-Final.

Tottenham Hotspur: Young Andre Villas-Boas's man management techniques continue to be looked at with suspicion from Spurs fans, amid reports that veteran goalkeeper Brad Friedel has gone missing. Under instruction to 'move on' the older generation of Chelsea players by Roman Abramovich, AVB soon caused controversy by informing all players over 30 that the team had relocated to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso with immediate effect. Only an old and confused Paulo Ferreira turned up at the supposed new Chelsea base, with the forgotten Portuguese defender not seen since. Fears are growing for Friedel's safety after sources close to AVB alleged that this time he had informed certain Spurs players that they would be relocating to Pyongyang, North Korea.