Withdrawals Pile Up for Hodgson

England boss Roy Hodgson continues to suffer from selection headaches ahead of Friday's home friendly with Chile, as several more key personnel have pulled out of the squad.

After Michael Carrick, Danny Welbeck, Kyle Walker and Frank Lampard all withdrew from the squad this week, Hodgson has been further hit by the news that the chief kit man, ardent England fan Derek and several Club Wembley bar staff have all joined the quartet on the sidelines.

The devastating news is set to reignite the club vs. country debate once more in what are far from ideal preparations for a double-header of friendlies with two top nations in Chile and Germany.

Club Wembley spokesman Adrian Merritt broke the silence in the England camp earlier today. “Losing up to six bar staff for a moderately-attended friendly in mid-November is bound to stretch the resources of any self-respecting football stadium drinks outlet” he chirped.

Customers are reportedly shot on sight at Wembley if they are spotted drinking anything other than Budweiser or travelling through any sort of transport other than National Express.

“Naturally we're all disappointed with the news, but we have to take it on the chin and move on. We've got complete confidence that the rest of the team will step up when it really matters and successfully serve overpriced bottles of Budweiser, The Official Beer Supplier to the England Football Team For Ever and Ever Amen, to our thirsty customers.”

Despite the positive response from the catering section of Wembley, colleagues of Dennis Simpson, England's chief kit man, haven't taken news of his withdrawal lying down. They commented that Simpson 'isn't fit to wear the shirt' and that he has 'let his country down', labelling him a 'cowardly bastard'.

Simpson's withdrawal means the resources of the England kit team will be stretched to the limit, with serious doubts hanging over their capacity to provide a full set of kit for the England team. It has prompted suggestions from some sections of the media that at least three of the starting XI on Friday will be forced to wear knackered Sparta Prague away shirts from 2003/04, which one of the kit men picked up whilst holidaying in the Czech capital several years ago.

A return of the glorious reversible kit would have seen supporters being 46% more positive about England's World Cup prospects, according to a YouGov survey

However, England kit-man spokesman Sean Harrison has rebuffed the claims. “The players will admittedly have to swap shirts every time a substitution is made” he conceded. “And at the very worst, we might have to use that reversible red and blue kit from 2002, as fortunately, Sports Direct were still selling off the last of their stock when we popped in earlier today. But wearing that old Sparta Prague kit with 'Poborsky' on the back? No chance.”

Meanwhile, ardent England fan Derek is said to be 'disappointed' that he is unable to make the match against Germany, but we didn't care about him enough to read his full statement.